Notes from Underground

Educating the Proletariat

2009-07-12T11:05:00.002-04:00

I'm going to pose a query here, and I want to hear your responses.

It has been said that knowledge is power, that what you know defines what you can do, and the more you know, the more control you have. Across time and the world, governments, corporate executives, and many others, whether they know it or not, utilize this thinking. The more educated you are, the higher your standing is in society.

In certain science fiction novels such as Brave New World or Fahrenheit 451, the powers that be utilize their knowledge to keep the proletariat (the masses) quiet. They keep them distracted with daily rations of drugs (soma), entertainment, sex, and games. The masses, distracted by their carnal desires, do not question the totalitarian governments and keep themselves unlearned. The government (especially in Brave New World) keeps them uneducated, knowing that such education would lead to the breakdown of their society.

Living in America, education is encouraged. For the most part, people are encouraged to finish at least high school and continue their education in college because it is considered a basic human right (a costly one after high school, but a right nonetheless). As a result, the number of people will college degrees keeps increasing, and at least an undergraduate education is becoming more common, making it more difficult to get ahead in today's economy with a degree and $80K in debt.

My question: should education be encouraged to the point where the masses stay educated and intelligent, and if so, how does one keep society operating optimally? Does one need the uneducated masses to perform supposedly menial jobs while the educated few at the top run society?

Note: this is no query of intellectual snobbery, just posing a thought I had. I'm pretty much a member of the proletariat pursuing the "American Dream" of an education, so this isn't me looking down on the "lower classes." Just thinking.

From my Sanctuary

2009-05-10T17:13:00.001-04:00

I'm officially a senior. One year to go.

What the crap?

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

2009-02-10T12:43:00.002-05:00

Though I very much love being at school here, my heart desires to wander about the world and see so much. Money (right now) is of little concern to me; I feel like I would do whatever it takes just to get to a new place. Walk. Run. Bicycle. Hitchhike. Whatever it takes, I want to see the whole world.

For some reason, society doesn't like this. It's seen as unfavorable to be a wanderer (the world seems to term them as "bums") because people feel the need to be settled. Now, I do want to settle down one day, but my yearning to see the world drives me crazy. What else is out there? I've been stuck in PA for a good portion of life. I've been out of the country once - for a whole week. I was looking at pictures from that place and I realized how much I missed it. India was a complete fish-out-of-water experience from which I could have learned to breathe oxygen, but wasn't there long enough to do it.

I look out my window and ask "How long?" God responds, "In my time." So I will wait.

Quick update

2009-02-04T13:19:00.000-05:00

For my one reader, I'm doin' OK now.

Cabin fever

2009-01-28T18:42:00.000-05:00

Still going out of my mind here.

Sweet, sweet monotony.

For Rent

2009-01-19T13:44:00.004-05:00

I'm noticing a trend in my thoughts and feelings lately, aside from the general romantic malaise that keeps coming up and I keep brushing aside. It's been happening for a few months now, and I can't entirely discern why. Ever since this summer, I've noticed certain signs that I've never before paid attention to that state the following: Apartment For Rent. They're everywhere, it seems. 1 bedroom. 1 Bed, 1 Bath. Studio. Loft. Seriously, they're all over the place, and I want one of them. A lot. More than I want to start learning how to drive (don't ask). I'd love to have my own place, or even share it with a roommate. For some reason, the image of an apartment has established itself in my mind as the ultimate symbol of independence. I don't imagine this to be uncommon amongst men of my age; everyone wants a bachelor pad, and I am, myself, a bachelor, or at least just single. I'm not sure of the difference. Still, how awesome would that be? My own place. Cook my own food. Listen to whatever music I choose without the bother of someone saying they don't like my taste, pure peace and quiet to read, and somewhere where I can entertain guests without having to ask permission of mom and dad. Awesome.

And yet, so unrealistic.

It's times like these that, even though I am a junior in college, I realize how dependent I am on my folks. They pay for the bulk of my schooling, with me blowing cash constantly and barely making the payments I need to make (I'm writing this in a coffee shop enjoying bottomless coffee as we speak). I need them so much, and I wonder how well I'd make it on my own. I've never really been good at managing money, though I have gotten better over the years. Still, it burns a hole in my pocket, and I'm always in trouble with my credit union because of overdraws from my checking account because I never move the money out of my savings. My own fault, really, but it's still annoying all the same. Independence is still farther away than I previously imagined, and it makes me sad and nervous.

I don't know. Maybe if I actually did it, it would be different. College seems sort of like a segue way between living with your folks and complete self-dependence. Still, the daunting threat of accumulating debt stands very tall next to my meager earnings either as a per diem employee at the hospital or working two jobs out here at school. Makes the real world frightening beyond all reason. Then again, it's not like my parents aren't terrified of their own bills at the end of the month or anything. That's a part of life, right?

There's the other question of what I would do with such wonderful freedom. Live paycheck to paycheck? Masters degree online? Save up? What do you do with your own place? Existence becomes pretty routine and somewhat mundane, but not necessarily on a mind-numbing level. I guess in the right place this would be OK. I'd wanna get my rear end out of Pennsylvania. I figure it's time for me to find a new section of the world to spend some time, in or out of the US. There's so much to consider in such a case as that, from cost of living to the area you're moving and so on. Lots of stuff to think about.

And all of this is flying at me kinda fast. College is over (God-willing) in a year and a half. A YEAR AND A HALF. That's not a whole lot of time to get my act together and figure stuff out. Damned if I know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life with a bachelors in Theological Studies. Grad school is a necessity, but where? How long? Part time or full time? MATS, or track straight to the doctorate? So much to consider and so little time.

When did growing up get so hard?

Pivotal?

2008-11-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

If you want to know you did the right thing, but the steps you need to take to find that out could disrupt the entire life of someone else, should you still try to find out? Would you be justified in doing what you think you need to do?

I don't know how much longer I can stand to watch this unfold without knowing whether I was right or not.

Love and Picket Signs

2008-11-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

Each year, thousands of Christians gather in Washington DC and walk, picket signs and protests held high, to the steps of Capitol Hill in what is now called the "March For Life," an anti-abortion protest. Hundreds of pro-life groups lend their support for this protest, taking this as an opportunity to say that the life of the unborn is just as sacred as the life of those born and that those who support "choice" are clearly in the wrong.

This is a common image painted of most Evangelical Christians: picket signs held high and condemnation flowing from their tongues. Though not OFTEN touched on in previous years, it has become more evident in recent films and documentaries the world's view of the church: condemnation. Often, the extreme ends of Christianity get to speak (Westboro Baptist Church, who picket the funerals of soldiers, is the first example coming to my mind), but it's not often that the happy medium (if there is one) gets to speak its mind. Therefore, the church is lumped together with the condemning attitudes of a few as a result of not only protests such as the one mentioned above, but also a severe lack of social action to change the problem.

I'm touching on the pro-life issue in light of recent discussions with friends on the matter. I have to question how many Christians who claim to be pro-life really are for a couple reasons:

1) How many Christians who are willing to buy pro-life stickers to put on their cars or who will travel down to DC each year to protest Roe vs. Wade are actually willing to be a part of the solution? This is a dream of mine to accomplish at some point: I want to go down to DC with two chairs, a table, a list of crisis pregnancy centers in the Northeast region, and a pen, and begin asking people to sign up to volunteer at these places, just to see how many people I get willing to do that. I can't imagine I'd get many. You see, when one protests, one must be ready to actually do something to help the problem, and there are plenty of solutions to abortion. Things like helping a young mother take care of her unexpected child. volunteering for a crisis pregnancy center, donating things like diapers and formula so that young mother (whom you would have condemned for aborting the child she couldn't take care of) can care for her child properly, or even (SHOCKING) helping out at Planned Parenthood, who at least makes information about contraceptives available and teaches people able sexual health (something churches are downright afraid of anymore.

My point here is being part of the solution, not just complaining about the problem. If we just spend our time yelling at people going into clinics that they're going to Hell, we've completely missed Christ's message. Christ would take that woman aside and offer to help take care of the child she doesn't want. In fact, that's exactly what he does. He loves the mother just as much as the unborn, and I think Christians miss that often. We're supposed to be Christ's hands and feet, why aren't we reaching out and loving those who are in the situation of an unexpected pregnancy? They need the love of Christ just as much as the unborn child in their womb.

2) This is more of an opinion thing, and definitely a debate for another day, but I find it quite hypocritical for someone to be pro-life and pro-war. The two don't mix. If you value the life of the unborn so much (which, I want to emphasize, I do) then why don't you value the life of your fellow man? What makes the unborn child's life so important in comparison to the life of a grown man? Doesn't Christ love him too?

Those are my thoughts for today. I'll develop the second one further sometime, if I find the time.

One at odds

2008-11-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

There are times where I submit myself to the will of God. In those times, I find that I'm only kidding myself.

There are other times where I find myself at odds with God. In those times, I find that I'm being real with myself.

Today, it is the latter.

On Being Nonviolent

2008-10-20T19:27:00.000-04:00

I've been getting this question a lot lately. Is it really so confusing? People seem compelled to ask "Pat, you're nonviolent? So, if I hit you, you wouldn't do anything back?" Is it really so hard to believe that someone could really say "No, I wouldn't hit you back. In fact, I'd turn the other cheek so you could hit the other one."

I guess in today's society it is strange to commit to complete nonviolence, considering the self-centered view people take. It's not uncommon for people to be opposed to things such as war, but when it comes to their own person or people close to them, then you're in trouble. You better start running, because they'll tear your head off if you so much as touch them, their girlfriend, their mother, etc. It's just understood that war is bad, but that random person who attacks you deserves to die.

The word pacifist has some pretty bad connotations to it as well. The best examples people can think of are the Amish and Mennonite communities that seal themselves off from society as much as possible and simply don't act in the face of violence or oppression. Don't get me wrong, I have a great deal of respect for the Mennonites. I know for a fact that Mennonite communities are full of the most loving, caring people on Earth, and many others will testify to their compassion for anyone who comes to their door, but the problem with this kind of pacifism is that it isn't really pacifism. All that the Amish are doing is being passive. There's no action behind their core beliefs. In reality, they're just as bad as the warmonger who seeks to wipe out whole nations, because they do nothing stop him.

As far as I can tell, Jesus didn't preach either of these ways. My pastor spoke on the subject of nonviolence this past Sunday, explaining the context of Matthew 5:38-44, and what Jesus meant when He said "Do not resist an evil person." After checking into what he said (a habit I hope every Christan would employ after the service on Sunday), I found what he said to be accurate, and I thought I would share with you what he had to say, as well as my own opinion.

Matthew 5:39; "But I tell you do no resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

This had some interesting connotations in Christ's day. In their culture, just as in some third world countries today, your right and your left hand were used for different purposes, specifically when it came to eating. You ate with your right hand, and you can imagine what you did with your left. Because of this, if someone offended you, you were only allowed to hit them with your right hand. If you hit them with your left, you could be kicked out of town for up to 10 days. It's also important to note the styles of hitting. If you backhanded someone, it was a way of saying to them "I'm better than you. You're just scum." To get backhanded was a serious insult. Christ's people, the Jews, at this time were under oppression from the Roman empire, and Roman soldiers (and other Gentiles) would often treat them with such contempt and scorn. They'd spit on them and backhand them as a way of saying "You are inferior to me."

Here's where it all connects. Since you could only hit with your right hand, and to backhand somebody was to insult them, that meant that the right cheek was getting slapped. When Christ said "turn the other cheek" it's assumed he meant to turn the left. There was only one way, then, that they could be hit, and that's with the open palm of the right hand. This was still a sign of disrespect, but on the level that you were equal with that person. When people would turn the other cheek, then, it would say to the assailant "You can try to take my dignity,my humanity, but you cannot have it. You will treat me like an equal."

Pacifism isn't a passive way of living; it's active. By being nonviolent, you're making an example of the person being violent towards you. You expose their own wrongdoing.

It's the same idea with 5:41. "If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." Roman soldiers carried around a lot of equipment in their time which could get heavy, and as a way of pushing their authority on others, they would make someone else carry their pack, just to show that they were superior, but they could only make them do it for a mile. How much would it say to that soldier if a man said to him "oh it's cool. I can take this for another mile." It's not necessarily to get them in trouble (to lie about it would go against God's commands), but it showed that soldier that no matter what he might make that person do, he won't take their dignity, won't destroy the love they have for them.

Loving our enemies is one of the most active things we can do as Christians. We can't do that by dropping bombs on them, nor can we love anyone by not doing anything. We must be active lovers as Christians. This is why I consider myself a pacifist. Now, being raised in America, I've never had much persecution to face. I'll admit this. It's easy for me to take this stance. However, we even need people promoting peace here in America, where it's our tendency to lash out against those who might try to hurt us. And this goes beyond physical harm. It means being peaceful in our speech, peaceful in everything we do. Just because I don't take a swing at someone doesn't mean I can hurt them with words, or by some other way bring them down. No, I need to be peaceful in every aspect of my life. It means so much to love our enemies, but we can't be selective in how we love them either.

Anyway, that's why I'm nonviolent.

Dragonflies

2008-09-24T11:02:00.000-04:00

Dragonflies dance about the tall grasses
on a muggy, thick summer's eve, diving
from greatest heights, catching prey in flashes
of daring grace, teasing a boy lying
on the hill, envious of exclusive
gifts as these. Bound to the earth, he begs god
to lift him to the sky. Intrusive
as deities are, making men from clods
of mud and being so imposing on these
clueless creatures, he simply told him to
wait his turn, for it had once been decreed
that all souls would fly one day, should he do
his part and sit patiently. The boy found
god's plan cruel and left, still bound to the ground.

One of the greatest things I've ever experienced is falling asleep underneath the shade of a pine tree on a warm, summer evening. It refreshed me for the evening, and cleared my mind to make room for the inspiration that gave birth to the sonnet above. In a way, I used the poem to vent, but I would hope that one could gain great insight from what I wrote.

Now, it's clearly been awhile since I've posted anything, but I would hope that I could sum up easily where I am at this time. I'm in my junior year at VFCC, and I find myself up to my neck in work and activities, constantly running around, and yet, there are times where I find I am able to get away and rest for a period just to clear my head. It was in this time (and another time, later that evening) that I confronted God with how I felt. I couldn't help but feel held back from the things I had asked for, and it was becoming frustrating. Had I not been patient? Had I not been diligent? Why do you taunt me in this way, God?

I shouldn't have to clarify, but this is no faith crisis, just a matter of annoyance. Naturally, God essentially said to me what he said to the boy, though, unlike the boy, I find myself still being patient. Thankfully, my diligence was not called into question (I think God chuckled a little bit there). All the same, God's timing is never ours, and I think it takes a lifetime to learn that. I'm quite tired of people telling me to be patient when they can't be patient themselves, but, at the same time, they're right about it. Patience is somewhat important in following Christ, because we won't always see clear direction, and we will be stumbling about in the dark. God and His word guide us in the dark, but only a step at a time, as if He wants us to enjoy that time with him. Typing this now, I'm in no position to tell anyone to be patient (the lunch line alone frustrates me), but working towards that is a goal each Christian ought to set. Pushing ahead, being headstrong, come after being patient.

Foolish reminiscence

2007-12-25T20:28:00.000-05:00

From the 10th grade to the present, I've been in a constant pursuit of the love of a woman. It's not much of a secret really, as my one reader knows, but it's been going on for the better part of the last 5 years, slowing down in the past year (I think). God has been helping me day by day to change my focus from the love of a woman to His love, which is never in short supply. Obviously it's been a struggle, but I certainly couldn't expect it to be easy. The past five years, needless to say, have taught me a thing or two about love, that it's primary focus isn't looks, and that a woman can never give a man his masculinity, but that he must offer it to her, putting his heart on the line despite the risk. One thing that I haven't quite figured out, though, is if love can come quickly, like over the course of a few days.

See, back at Creation '05, I was still struggling to come to grips with a previous relationship's ending, and while there, I met this girl named Natalie. She was different from any girl I had met. For some reason, she was very, very happy, and she was fully in love with the Lord, not in the way that some kids are, because their parents tell them, but because of a true love for her that came from her heart. Literally, I haven't seen anyone so in love with God as she was to this day, and this kinda blew me away about her, because I didn't know someone could love God that much. She was really pretty too. Black hair, green eyes, and definitely a rocker through and through. She actually pushed me down by accident in the mosh pit at the Fringe Stage. The cool thing about her, though, was that she seemed to love me just because I existed, because God had created me. She hung out with me all week, day and night, and we really got to know each other. She listened to my woes about losing my girlfriend, and comforted me, like she was Jesus holding on to me and telling me that He loved me. No one, ever, had been so caring toward me. Like, not that my friends aren't caring, they are, but this was incredibly different, how much she seemed to care for me even though she had just met me.

Anyway, the end of the week came, we exchanged numbers, and we kept a small amount of contact into the school year. She lived out in San Francisco, so it was kinda hard to keep in touch with all the time distance, but it was still cool to talk to her once in awhile. The last time I heard from her, though, was somewhere in January '06, when she called me at 3:00 AM my time, not realizing the time change. I wish I had just stayed up and talked to her awhile, maybe then the friendship would have continued, but I haven't heard from her since then, and sometimes, I wish I still had Natalie to talk to.

I can't say I loved her then, nor could I say it now. It would just be my wanting to attach to some form of affection. Still, I do wonder sometimes how she's doing, where she's at, or if there's any way God would allow us to be friends again by just some random meeting somewhere. I guess I don't know what to think of love developing quickly, because I don't think it had much to do with my thoughts here. Nevertheless, I am beyond grateful for her, because of the impact she made in my life that week, and how she loved me because God loved me. I wish the world were full of Natalies, that would just love regardless of who you are, and love because God made us.

*sigh* I wish I could be like Natalie. I pray that I can love God the way that she did, and love with full abandon.

Rent

2007-12-20T22:12:00.000-05:00

I am scared, scared unto death. The investment I have in my college career is beginning to fall apart, due to a severe lack in funds. My parents, who both want me to stay at VFCC and have been funding a large part of my tuition, missed their last payment because they couldn't afford it, and, recently, my state grant was cut in half due to mistakes on the FAFSA. Options are running out, and my dad has been asking me to think about doing something cheaper. Everything I have at school, all my friends, classes, professors and opportunities, could very well be ripped away from me because I cannot afford them. I am scared, scared unto death.

A few things run through my mind in this situation, things that Jesus said, and they aren't exactly the inspirational "I am always with you, even unto the end of the age" principles he has taught us. Those are in my mind, but I am also hearing things like "Go sell everything you have and follow me", "He who puts his hand on the plow and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God", along with many others. I have said that God is all I need. I have sung about how his grace is enough. I have thanked God for his help and providence in many things. For this, I fear that my world is being ripped away, contrary to the song I once sang in youth group: "Though my world may fall, I'll never let you go."

Quite the paradox to remark on, I suppose. Where is my professed faith? Where is the trust that God will take care of me? Why am I worrying about something that will worry about itself? Why must I be so human? The Lord knows the plans he has for me, and I am worried about what I owe my college.

Trust hasn't always come easy to me (in fact, it almost never has). Truly, I fear the future and what might be happening for me, where I might go. I don't want to let my dreams go. I want to finish school and finish it well. I want to continue on to graduate school and get my doctorate in Philosophy of Religion. I want to teach college, and show young adults not only how to think, but how to love. Still, those things come to mind: "Sell all you have and follow me..." Is that what is being asked of me? Am I being asked to behind the things I had in mind for myself? Is God closing this door and opening another? What am I to do in this situation?

I do feel better, somewhat, after expressing this fear. Usually takes something like that, but it does linger, and no doubt will be on my mind tomorrow.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6

Canvas

2007-12-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

I love my imagination, especially when it gets so real I have conversations with someone I haven't met yet about what I think about the world, and I plunge into the depths of my soul and find out something about myself. It's strange how that works, but it does.

Some of you know that I am an amateur photographer (that is, the one person who reads my blog). If you have ever seen my work, you'll notice a lot of close-up shots as opposed to distant, spread out ones. This is because of my love of the details in my pictures. Ironically, I'm not detail-oriented in my everyday life, but I love to get up close to things whenever I am taking pictures and see what no one else did, or what people see and allow to pass in and out of their memory so quickly. It makes me sad that people miss the details and intricate work in so many things, from raindrops on rose petals to the pattern of wood grain. Seeing these things is one of my connections to the Creator, who knows all detail down to the space between the quarks in an atom (I wish I could photograph an atom, that would just be wicked). When I look at my hand, I see so much more than a hand, but I see the worn lines in my palm, the callouses in my fingertips, and even the spidering movement of the arteries and veins that stretch all the way to the very ends of my fingers. I could spend hours in art museums looking at old paintings that have so much detail when you look close enough that you can forget what the original subject of the painting was and just marvel at the artist's attention to detail. This is the idea of art: getting people to see what they miss or allow themselves to miss. Art is in the lines in your hand, the holes in a brick in the wall, or even the arrangement of the elements of a blood cell, and we are missing it! We miss it because we don't slow down enough to look and see!

Art and creativity are what keeps the human race alive, what drives them to continue reproducing (Seriously). The act of sex is probably the most creative act one can do when done as an expression of romantic love and affection for your mate. Two bodies, who, under other circumstances, probably could be worlds apart any other time, join for a few moments of ecstasy and physical and spiritual connection. Our bodies are crafted for the enjoyment of someone we dedicate ourselves to, and their enjoyment of us leads to our enjoyment of them, and happiness and connection is found in that. Sex is truly beautiful and the work of an artist. We can cheapen this, unfortunately, by making sex the focus of our affection, but never, ever should that be the focus. Art is also the expression of our feelings, which means the art, though a medium to explain HOW we feel, it is never the feeling itself. The love we have for another can be expressed through sex, but sex isn't the point: love is. Sex is the canvas on which love is painted, and to use a cheap, dollar-store paint is to ruin the painting. The finest, truest materials are necessary in making art, and the same is true of sex. It must be of the finest materials and the truest emotions.

Just to close, I'm curious if anyone actually reads this other than Drew. If you do, feel free to leave a comment.

THE DEVIL IS IN THEM BOOKS!

2007-12-09T19:54:00.000-05:00

So...a viewing of the new film The Golden Compass and a reading from the blog of a friend have prompted the following post.

As most of you know, a great deal of controversy has risen at the production of this new film due to the intent of the author of the book on which the film is based. The author(Philip Pullman), being a staunch atheist, has stated that his intent in writing is to undermine Christian values, viewing his trilogy of books as a direct rebuttal to CS Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, a series Pullman views as religious propaganda. He is considered to be one of England's most outspoken atheists, and the production of The Golden Compass has caused a large outcry from the Christian community of evil and attempted brainwashing.

However, this outcry is far from being the first. For years, the church has boycotted and protested scores of movies, burned thousands of books as heresy, and condemned non-Christians everywhere for their viewpoints. Now, arguments on God's existence aside, this is getting really ridiculous. Have we forgotten, church, that we are also to love God with our minds? Are we so afraid of something different from our own thoughts that we must so insecurely strike at it? God is much more secure than any of the writings of this world, so why aren't we? Where is our lack of fear of such things that may challenge our faith and its validity, and therefore challenge us, as human beings, to understand it better?

One thing I've noticed in these times is that the church often shies away from something that it could learn from. In most of these instances, the item in question displays the church in a way that is tyrannical and oppressive. Naturally, as any average person would, the church strikes out against such a thing, and thus proves the item in question to be correct. If the world is viewing us as oppressive and tyrannical, don't you think it might be time to alter our thinking into a way that shows that our heart is to love them, not to oppress them? This doesn't make opposing ideas go away, nor should it. It's a principle that shows that love is more important than dogma, and in our society today, no person is more sick of dogma and condemnation than a non-Christian.

If you're a Christian and you're wondering about seeing the Golden Compass, I would recommend that you go and view it, but remain objective, and see it through the eyes of someone who maybe really just wants the oppression to stop. This goes for any book, movie, or music you may think is evil. There might be something very, very good (and spiritual) underneath it all.

Reason vs. Imagination

2007-11-21T13:46:00.001-05:00

Here's an interesting thought I encountered while reading GK Chesterton's "Orthodoxy." In the chapter entitled "The Maniac" he introduces the idea that it is not imagination that drives a man insane, but reason. If you look at all the lunatic asylums in the world, you'll find that whatever the insane believe is completely logical. For example: "Switzerland is anti-war. I am anti-war, therefore, I am Switzerland." That statement is completely logical, however untrue it is. According to Chesterton, a lunatic is a man who has lost everything BUT reason.

This is why imagination is so important to the human psyche. If you'll notice, poets and artists don't go insane through their imagination. The beauty of their works flows beautifully across the infinite, and they become insane when they attempt to make that art finite. Logic can very easily become the bane of the human mind and any source of peace and clarity. This is not to say that logic isn't a wonderful tool of understanding; by all means use it as such. I know I very much love logic and the use of it, but what we must learn is that our imagination is far more important than our logic, as it is more powerful than it. At some point, as Kierkegaard claims, we must abandon reason for faith, for faith is stronger than reason. The mental exhaustion that results from too much reason is so detrimental, and the peace of mind resulting from faith is the ultimate cure.

Reverse Confessional

2007-11-10T10:12:00.001-05:00

This, for me, is an attempt to understand certain emotions and thoughts and things that roll around in my head, as you can see. For the one person that reads this blog (thank you Drew), and for those who occasionally stop by because you see this link in my info or on my Facebook. So far, I've covered things that I dislike about the church, my own personal struggle with lust and insecurity, and my own longing to comfort the wounded. I think this one is going to be a sort of summary of those things, but at the same time, I really don't know.

As of late, I've been examining a movement in the church known as the Emerging Church (not Emergent, follow me here), or Post-Evangelicalism. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this movement, it's the sort of church that includes guys like Rob Bell, Shane Claiborne, Donald Miller, and Brian McClaren. It's gaining popularity among college age students, mostly due to its emphasis on postmodernism and cultural relevance. Core beliefs include a focus on missional living (loving people intentionally despite who they are), truth as subjectivity (and in some cases relative), and going into the world instead of telling them to come to church. Now, don't get me wrong here. I believe truth to be absolute, yet I do see how truth can be subjectivity. Still, what moves me about this church is how it reflects aspects of a church that I never, under any circumstances, saw while I was growing up.

Let me explain. I grew up in an Assemblies of God church in Newport, Pennsylvania, the epitome of backwoods culture. On the political scale, the entire county pretty much falls ultra-conservative, and though many people don't seem to attend church, they do believe in their own sort of version of God. My church is one of few Pentecostal churches in the county (one of three or four, I think), yet is still pretty well known. They sort of get a reputation for being crazy, jumping around during worship and a lot of talk about "baptism in the Holy Spirit" and "speaking in tongues." It's enough to freak people out the first time they come, but if they keep coming, they usually find that they're not so different from other churches in the area. Like the rest of the county, my church reflected an ultra-conservative agenda. When the Da Vinci Code was published, my pastor immediately took it upon himself to preach a two week series on the falsehood of the Da Vinci Code, sort of as an apologetic course. He has spoken out against abortion, gay marriage, and the Democratic party, and shown support for capital punishment and the current administration, and often invites speakers reflecting these same beliefs. Like any good A/G church, we have our Mission's Convention every year, displaying different aspects of different cultures and talk about how much they need Jesus. We have outreaches to our community where we give food to needy families, and outreaches overseas (such as Haiti and India) where we send teams to give medical help and food to the needy there. Often, preaching is a common part of these outreaches.

Now let me tell you why I've come to dislike this church. At age 13, I really had no desire to learn more about God because I had grown up with it and never cared much for it, but my mother insisted that I go along to the services of a week long Holy Spirit baptism thing going on at the church (my mother fits the above stereotype well). I thought I would give God one final shot. I went to the altar to receive the gift of tongues (rather synonymous with baptism of the Holy Spirit in the A/G) and though I felt filled with God and His peace, I received no tongues. I continued praying at the altar, when my pastor came up to me and asked me if I was OK. I said "yes, I haven't felt this peace in a long time." He asked me if I was praying for the gift of tongues, and I said yes, though I wasn't actually showing any evidence of having received it. He then asked me to make more room at the altar for other people. I moved away from the altar and went back to my seat, unsure of what exactly had happened. Repeatedly, I prayed for tongues over the course of my teenage years and never got a darn thing. The only positive reinforcement I got was from a youth leader who told me that God told her to just wait for my time, that it would come one day. Other than that, I was just another person taking up space at the altar.

This, along with the ultra-conservative position of my church, is why I've come to dislike it. Its teachings go against the things that Christ has taught, that loving people intentionally regardless of who they are is more important than political agendas and the gift of tongues. For the longest time, I've wanted to be a part of a church who loved without agendas or conditions. That's how Christ loves: unconditionally. I'm tired of asking to speak in tongues. I'm tired of hearing about how President Bush is a great president. I'm tired of being told how loving Christ is when the church isn't showing it. I want to love as Christ does. I want to go into the world and tell them of God, instead of telling them to come to church all the time.

And yet, when have I done this? When I have I ever lived missionally? When have I ever done something to help the poor, the hungry, the hopeless? When have I ever reclaimed an abandoned area of the empire, or taken the time to feed the hungry, give shelter to the homeless, or visit the lonely? When did I move away from what my church raised me to be? I see the need to, and I want to accomplish that need, but when will I get up off the couch, stop reading about it for awhile, and do it?

When will I stop being a hypocrite?

Some of you will read this and think "wow, way to throw a hissy fit. Grow up." To you, I hope you see what I'm trying to say and go live as Christ would have you live. Some of you will be inspired to take action. God bless you. And some of you will skim this and just see me taking pot shots at the A/G. To you, go back and read the whole thing. It'll make more sense then.

2007-10-29T23:10:00.001-04:00

What is it about me that makes me so discontented with injustice in this world? Why do I cry for every broken heart, when I know I can't help them all?

I want so badly to help them all. To pour into their lives and let them know that they truly are loved. Every last reject. Every last outcast. Every last person who was put out by the world, who no one wants anymore.

I want to help them so badly, and I can't understand why no one else wants to do that. Isn't that what we're called to? To show love?

Why won't anyone else show love?

2007-08-09T17:26:00.000-04:00

I really don't know what is gonna come out here, but I haven't written here for some time now. I recall promising a series of publishing on the heart of worship, but the Internet situation at Creation prevented such a thing, and, frankly, I'm still discovering what it is to worship the Lord with your heart.

I head back to Valley Forge Christian College in a matter of 2 days (today doesn't count; it's about over anyway). I'm curious as to what to expect. After all, what has this summer done to me as a person? I'm certainly different. The growing pains and stretches I have to show from spiritual movement clearly demonstrate unto me that I have come a long way in my pursuit of God, but is it all an illusion? Perhaps my own mind has fathomed and invented such a delusion that I do indeed dwell in God's presence daily, that, in reality, I am no more spiritually mature than the young person who converted at Youth Convention. I did spend a great deal of my time working, sort of placing myself in a bubble and not spending much time with my friends here (though I did when I could). Though I didn't visit church, I spent frequent time with God, praying, reading the word or reading interpretations of his word, and thus learned more about Him that way. I sought to make my every action one of the Lord, and though I did stumble and fall in some places, I can only write that off as simply being human.

Yet, something still bothers me. On another blog, I wrote about how I longed for the romantic love of a woman, but how I struggled to focus wholly on the Lord and allow him to fill the void there. He certainly did do that, but I found myself stumbling repeatedly. My past actions with women and my constant pursuit of them haunted me, making me desire them all the more. Even as I sit in my local cafe typing this, a pretty girl a few tables over catches my eye. All I can do is remark that God is a wonderful creator of beautiful works, but my flesh longs to do more. Yes, I sound like a pervert, but anyone daring to be critical of such a thing ought to examine how they feel when they see an attractive member of the opposite sex enter the room. I am not alone in this struggle. How is it that a man can cut lust out of their lives to the point where he finally stops defining a girl as a "that" instead of as a person? I relate to Paul having the thorn in his side. I just feel like this is more than a thorn; more like a vicious monster I know I can't control that threatens to consume me, and yet which remains chained to me and never at a distance, a mirror image of what I never want to be again. It taunts me, ridicules me. And yes, God is for me, and no one can be against me, but it sure can put up a fight.

I'm getting weaker.

EXPEL!

2007-07-05T20:19:00.001-04:00

In any Bible published in today's world, the section title over 1 Corinthians 5 is "Expel the Immoral Brother!" Now I know Paul did not actually make section titles over his chapters and such, that things like this were added for convenience, but I always think of this section title when people ask me about dealing with people whom they generally stumble around. I've recently had to "expel" someone from my life because of the effect they had on my walk with God, and it has certainly helped my life.

Until said person texted me recently. Now I feel guilty for "expelling" them.

I'm going to be vague here so as to help relate this to any situation as well as to protect the name of this expelled party. The long and short of it is that this person led me down paths that caused me to stumble in a sexual manner. No intercourse was involved, but there were some heated conversations and such that left me feeling sick later on. These events were a direct violation of my promises to God and to my future beloved (I don't know who she is yet, but this is something less I have to give to her), and left me feeling like scum. Because of this, I took the drastic measure to remove this person from my life. I wasn't exactly the nicest person in the process, I will confess, but it felt like I needed to be forceful to get them out of my life, and when they came back one time before (about a month ago), it made my blood boil out of rage.

The guilt, however, comes from the fact that I punished this person for my own weakness. Yes, she did exploit it, but I question how right it was to be angry with them over my own faults. I was already angry with myself and my incompetence in fighting back this false self within me (I still am), but is it wrong to be greatly angry at someone for something you weren't strong enough to fight?

I have no answer here, and I know and believe that God alone gives me the strength to win any battle, but I come up short on answers here in terms of forgiveness. I have forgiven this person and no longer feel anger here, but I have no idea how to handle this in terms of this persons involvement in my life.

Two observations

2007-06-19T21:48:00.001-04:00

The job I hold at Harrisburg Hospital (Patient transporter) allows me to meet a myriad of interesting people of all kinds of backgrounds and such, however, my observations do not concern their backgrounds, but their willpower as humans in a bleak and dreary atmosphere.

One person I had to move today was in the ICU for reasons I was unaware of (as a transporter, there is no need for me to know reason for admission to the hospital). For those of you who don't know, ICU stands for Intensive Care Unit, and patients admitted there are on extremely careful and meticulous care in order to be kept alive, and this gentleman in particular was under extreme medical attention. The look in his eyes when I entered his room only registered a dead emotion, nearly a lack thereof. I couldn't even tell if the man was aware of our presence there or that we were even moving him. He was on a respirator, oxygen, and a host of other medical devices meant to keep alive. This man was helpless, and he was barely 40. The thought of being 40 and on intensive care disturbed me. What would happen to this man? What chance did he even have at living again? The helpless look in his eyes gave me a certain amount of animosity, in a way. Why wasn't he trying to live? Didn't he care? Did he even deserve to be in this hospital on all the life support he needed if he was only going to waste away? What was the point, anyway?

However, one other patient changed my outlook on the first one. He was an amputee whom I had to take down for X-ray. When I saw he was missing a leg, I offered to get a nurse so I would have assistance getting him onto the stretcher. He dismissed my offer and told me to move the stretcher adjacent to the bed. I did so and placed the brake on. All he needed from me was the help to sit up. From there, he moved to the edge of the bed, stood on his good leg and pivoted around, sitting down on the litter. This nearly shocked me, as any other patient in the hospital would have probably groaned about having to be moved at all. This man, however, actually moved into the stretcher on his own and got himself situated without any assistance at all. My amazement with this man still stays with me. Even in a situation where there would seem to be no point, a man can make do with what he has and do his best.

My opinion on the first man was altered. Perhaps the look in his eyes was not dead, just distant. The fact that his heart was still beating should have been sign enough to me that he still had the will to live, and our assistance was desperately needed to make that hope be true. Maybe he couldn't move. Maybe he was incoherent in the eyes of the doctors and nurses who tended to him. One thing I know for certain, however, is that while a man still has blood in his veins and his heart remains to beat, he has will. I witnessed what I thought was true helplessness today, but now I see that there is no such thing. No one is helpless as long as the desire to live exists. To deprive a human being of such a desire is abominable and atrocious. Life is so precious, and to come to the aid of the desire and will to live is honorable in the greatest respect.

These two men have taught me this truth. Now, I teach it to you. Honor life.

Uphold it.

I absolve you

2007-06-14T18:21:00.000-04:00

Mediocrity. The end result of our society's strive for perfection. Look about you. It is everywhere. In your job. In your music, movies, and literature. In the architecture used to build your home. In the car you drive to work.

It's in your faith.

That's right, Christian. Your faith is mediocre. Complacent. Stagnant.

It's comfortable.

This is why Christianity has come to the standstill that it's at. This is why there is no change. This is why we are still using the same methods that have not worked for years and years and have not moved an inch (in fact, we're on the downhill slope). We are comfortable where we are at. And this does not apply to one denomination, but to Christendom as a whole. Every church has found it's comfort zone and kept itself there, from Catholics to Pentecostals. Catholics with their liturgy and motions which give them a security that their "good works" will get them to heaven, and Pentecostals with their shouting at each other in tongues, competing for the spot of holiest and most seeking Christian. An image is what we have come to seek as Christians. How many Hail Mary's can we say, or how long can we rattle along in tongues without taking a breath? How holy can we look? And what has this image gotten us? Results? No!

We have our mediocrity and comfort that we look "holy" to others, when, in fact, your rolling in the aisles church makes you look ridiculous.

You may say to me "but this is how we seek the Lord!" Is it? Does your comfort make you feel close to God? Well, what if one day that comfort were ripped away from you, the rug yanked away from under your feet so you fell flat on your rear end? Are you able to defend your faith well enough that the fall isn't hard at all? What do you know about what you believe? You've bene told over and over again that theology and head knowledge about God will get you nowhere, so you've avoided it. You fear to know because you fear you will be proven wrong.

Fear inspires your complacency.

I do not blame you for your fear, Christian. Reaching into the unknown is a frightening thing to do, but let me say to you: it must be done. Know thyself. Know why you believe what you believe. 'Be prepared to give an answer." We've said over and over again that when the world asks questions, we'll just tell them we're worshiping our king. What does that mean to them? Absolutely nothing. The world longs for an answer, and that answer is pathetic. Know your faith, give them an answer.

Animal dreams and Constellations

2007-06-10T17:53:00.000-04:00

Aside from one or two attempts at relationships, I have spent the past year and a half single. For the past year and a half, I've also begged God not to make me celibate and to show me a woman after Him whom He wants me to spend the rest of my life with. However, for the most part in these past several months, I've used the time to press more into God and come closer to Him. Still, I find myself feeling pretty lonely here and there (I know I'm not alone here, I'm just expressing emotion). My psychology book explains it as a part of the social time line. Generally, 19 is an age to begin looking for a girlfriend and most likely find one, at least in our culture. Sadly, psychology does nothing to really explain the lack of ease in meeting the demands of a social time line. Yet God has always provided for me in those lonely times, particularly last evening.

After I got home from work, I was extremely exhausted, so I took a nap. I had a dream about hummingbirds (of all things) and I recall someone explaining to me within the dream that hummingbirds mate for life and that if one of the pair dies, the other will soon follow because of the bond the pair had. Now, this isn't true of hummingbirds, but it does occur in other areas of the animal kingdom (stick with me here, it's the moral that counts). I woke up hearing Jack Johnson's song "Constellations" in which he talks about drawing constellations in the sky while his father tells stories about the stars. The combination of the dream and the song left me with an understanding that if I were to leave God, or vice versa, I would die spiritually. Life would cease to have any meaning. Albeit this is something most Christians know, but I'm beginning to see how much more important my relationship with God is than it is to have a girlfriend. Social time lines thrown to the wind, I can say (at least for the moment) that I could be happy if it were only God and I for the rest of my life, and though my fickle human emotions will fluctuate and undulate, God sees me through the deepest valleys and the highest mountains. I am His.

What Church Is Not (Or Shouldn't Be) vol 1

2007-06-07T22:04:00.000-04:00

- Small grouping your way to salvation

- A play on your emotions to gain a spiritual high

- Free Dunkin Donuts

- Three Point Sermons

- A competition to see who can pray louder in tongues

- Rejection of the sinner

- Badgering of the newcomer

What's one more?

2007-06-03T22:00:00.001-04:00

By all means, I should not have another blog. I have Myspace. I have Facebook. How in the name of God do I have time for something like this? It's not a matter of time anymore, my dear readers, but a matter of necessity for a spilling of my thoughts onto a webpage that isn't Facebook (too many readers to offend) or Myspace (not enough people to understand me).

So here it exists. One more membership, but this time it's to a decent looking blog. Welcome to blogspot, Mr. Frownfelter!