Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Though I very much love being at school here, my heart desires to wander about the world and see so much.  Money (right now) is of little concern to me; I feel like I would do whatever it takes just to get to a new place. Walk. Run. Bicycle. Hitchhike.  Whatever it takes, I want to see the whole world.

For some reason, society doesn't like this.  It's seen as unfavorable to be a wanderer (the world seems to term them as "bums") because people feel the need to be settled.  Now, I do want to settle down one day, but my yearning to see the world drives me crazy.  What else is out there?  I've been stuck in PA for a good portion of life.  I've been out of the country once - for a whole week.  I was looking at pictures from that place and I realized how much I missed it.  India was a complete fish-out-of-water experience from which I could have learned to breathe oxygen, but wasn't there long enough to do it.

I look out my window and ask "How long?"  God responds, "In my time."  So I will wait.

Quick update

For my one reader, I'm doin' OK now.

Cabin fever

Still going out of my mind here.

Sweet, sweet monotony.

For Rent

I'm noticing a trend in my thoughts and feelings lately, aside from the general romantic malaise that keeps coming up and I keep brushing aside.  It's been happening for a few months now, and I can't entirely discern why.  Ever since this summer, I've noticed certain signs that I've never before paid attention to that state the following: Apartment For Rent.  They're everywhere, it seems.  1 bedroom.  1 Bed, 1 Bath.  Studio.  Loft.  Seriously, they're all over the place, and I want one of them.  A lot.  More than I want to start learning how to drive (don't ask).  I'd love to have my own place, or even share it with a roommate.  For some reason, the image of an apartment has established itself in my mind as the ultimate symbol of independence.  I don't imagine this to be uncommon amongst men of my age; everyone wants a bachelor pad, and I am, myself, a bachelor, or at least just single.  I'm not sure of the difference.  Still, how awesome would that be?  My own place.  Cook my own food.  Listen to whatever music I choose without the bother of someone saying they don't like my taste, pure peace and quiet to read, and somewhere where I can entertain guests without having to ask permission of mom and dad.  Awesome.

And yet, so unrealistic.

It's times like these that, even though I am a junior in college, I realize how dependent I am on my folks.  They pay for the bulk of my schooling, with me blowing cash constantly and barely making the payments I need to make (I'm writing this in a coffee shop enjoying bottomless coffee as we speak).  I need them so much, and I wonder how well I'd make it on my own.  I've never really been good at managing money, though I have gotten better over the years.   Still, it burns a hole in my pocket, and I'm always in trouble with my credit union because of overdraws from my checking account because I never move the money out of my savings.  My own fault, really, but it's still annoying all the same.  Independence is still farther away than I previously imagined, and it makes me sad and nervous.

I don't know.  Maybe if I actually did it, it would be different.  College seems sort of like a segue way between living with your folks and complete self-dependence.  Still, the daunting threat of accumulating debt stands very tall next to my meager earnings either as a per diem employee at the hospital or working two jobs out here at school.  Makes the real world frightening beyond all reason.  Then again, it's not like my parents aren't terrified of their own bills at the end of the month or anything.  That's a part of life, right?

There's the other question of what I would do with such wonderful freedom.  Live paycheck to paycheck?  Masters degree online?  Save up?  What do you do with your own place?  Existence becomes pretty routine and somewhat mundane, but not necessarily on a mind-numbing level.  I guess in the right place this would be OK.  I'd wanna get my rear end out of Pennsylvania.  I figure it's time for me to find a new section of the world to spend some time, in or out of the US.  There's so much to consider in such a case as that, from cost of living to the area you're moving and so on.  Lots of stuff to think about.

And all of this is flying at me kinda fast.  College is over (God-willing) in a year and a half.  A YEAR AND A HALF.  That's not a whole lot of time to get my act together and figure stuff out. Damned if I know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life with a bachelors in Theological Studies.  Grad school is a necessity, but where?  How long?  Part time or full time?  MATS, or track straight to the doctorate?  So much to consider and so little time.

When did growing up get so hard?

Pivotal?

If you want to know you did the right thing, but the steps you need to take to find that out could disrupt the entire life of someone else, should you still try to find out? Would you be justified in doing what you think you need to do?

I don't know how much longer I can stand to watch this unfold without knowing whether I was right or not.

Love and Picket Signs

Each year, thousands of Christians gather in Washington DC and walk, picket signs and protests held high, to the steps of Capitol Hill in what is now called the "March For Life," an anti-abortion protest. Hundreds of pro-life groups lend their support for this protest, taking this as an opportunity to say that the life of the unborn is just as sacred as the life of those born and that those who support "choice" are clearly in the wrong.

This is a common image painted of most Evangelical Christians: picket signs held high and condemnation flowing from their tongues. Though not OFTEN touched on in previous years, it has become more evident in recent films and documentaries the world's view of the church: condemnation. Often, the extreme ends of Christianity get to speak (Westboro Baptist Church, who picket the funerals of soldiers, is the first example coming to my mind), but it's not often that the happy medium (if there is one) gets to speak its mind. Therefore, the church is lumped together with the condemning attitudes of a few as a result of not only protests such as the one mentioned above, but also a severe lack of social action to change the problem.

I'm touching on the pro-life issue in light of recent discussions with friends on the matter. I have to question how many Christians who claim to be pro-life really are for a couple reasons:

1) How many Christians who are willing to buy pro-life stickers to put on their cars or who will travel down to DC each year to protest Roe vs. Wade are actually willing to be a part of the solution? This is a dream of mine to accomplish at some point: I want to go down to DC with two chairs, a table, a list of crisis pregnancy centers in the Northeast region, and a pen, and begin asking people to sign up to volunteer at these places, just to see how many people I get willing to do that. I can't imagine I'd get many. You see, when one protests, one must be ready to actually do something to help the problem, and there are plenty of solutions to abortion. Things like helping a young mother take care of her unexpected child. volunteering for a crisis pregnancy center, donating things like diapers and formula so that young mother (whom you would have condemned for aborting the child she couldn't take care of) can care for her child properly, or even (SHOCKING) helping out at Planned Parenthood, who at least makes information about contraceptives available and teaches people able sexual health (something churches are downright afraid of anymore.

My point here is being part of the solution, not just complaining about the problem. If we just spend our time yelling at people going into clinics that they're going to Hell, we've completely missed Christ's message. Christ would take that woman aside and offer to help take care of the child she doesn't want. In fact, that's exactly what he does. He loves the mother just as much as the unborn, and I think Christians miss that often. We're supposed to be Christ's hands and feet, why aren't we reaching out and loving those who are in the situation of an unexpected pregnancy? They need the love of Christ just as much as the unborn child in their womb.

2) This is more of an opinion thing, and definitely a debate for another day, but I find it quite hypocritical for someone to be pro-life and pro-war. The two don't mix. If you value the life of the unborn so much (which, I want to emphasize, I do) then why don't you value the life of your fellow man? What makes the unborn child's life so important in comparison to the life of a grown man? Doesn't Christ love him too?

Those are my thoughts for today. I'll develop the second one further sometime, if I find the time.

One at odds

There are times where I submit myself to the will of God. In those times, I find that I'm only kidding myself.

There are other times where I find myself at odds with God. In those times, I find that I'm being real with myself.

Today, it is the latter.