Foolish reminiscence

From the 10th grade to the present, I've been in a constant pursuit of the love of a woman. It's not much of a secret really, as my one reader knows, but it's been going on for the better part of the last 5 years, slowing down in the past year (I think). God has been helping me day by day to change my focus from the love of a woman to His love, which is never in short supply. Obviously it's been a struggle, but I certainly couldn't expect it to be easy. The past five years, needless to say, have taught me a thing or two about love, that it's primary focus isn't looks, and that a woman can never give a man his masculinity, but that he must offer it to her, putting his heart on the line despite the risk. One thing that I haven't quite figured out, though, is if love can come quickly, like over the course of a few days.

See, back at Creation '05, I was still struggling to come to grips with a previous relationship's ending, and while there, I met this girl named Natalie. She was different from any girl I had met. For some reason, she was very, very happy, and she was fully in love with the Lord, not in the way that some kids are, because their parents tell them, but because of a true love for her that came from her heart. Literally, I haven't seen anyone so in love with God as she was to this day, and this kinda blew me away about her, because I didn't know someone could love God that much. She was really pretty too. Black hair, green eyes, and definitely a rocker through and through. She actually pushed me down by accident in the mosh pit at the Fringe Stage. The cool thing about her, though, was that she seemed to love me just because I existed, because God had created me. She hung out with me all week, day and night, and we really got to know each other. She listened to my woes about losing my girlfriend, and comforted me, like she was Jesus holding on to me and telling me that He loved me. No one, ever, had been so caring toward me. Like, not that my friends aren't caring, they are, but this was incredibly different, how much she seemed to care for me even though she had just met me.

Anyway, the end of the week came, we exchanged numbers, and we kept a small amount of contact into the school year. She lived out in San Francisco, so it was kinda hard to keep in touch with all the time distance, but it was still cool to talk to her once in awhile. The last time I heard from her, though, was somewhere in January '06, when she called me at 3:00 AM my time, not realizing the time change. I wish I had just stayed up and talked to her awhile, maybe then the friendship would have continued, but I haven't heard from her since then, and sometimes, I wish I still had Natalie to talk to.

I can't say I loved her then, nor could I say it now. It would just be my wanting to attach to some form of affection. Still, I do wonder sometimes how she's doing, where she's at, or if there's any way God would allow us to be friends again by just some random meeting somewhere. I guess I don't know what to think of love developing quickly, because I don't think it had much to do with my thoughts here. Nevertheless, I am beyond grateful for her, because of the impact she made in my life that week, and how she loved me because God loved me. I wish the world were full of Natalies, that would just love regardless of who you are, and love because God made us.

*sigh* I wish I could be like Natalie. I pray that I can love God the way that she did, and love with full abandon.

Rent

I am scared, scared unto death. The investment I have in my college career is beginning to fall apart, due to a severe lack in funds. My parents, who both want me to stay at VFCC and have been funding a large part of my tuition, missed their last payment because they couldn't afford it, and, recently, my state grant was cut in half due to mistakes on the FAFSA. Options are running out, and my dad has been asking me to think about doing something cheaper. Everything I have at school, all my friends, classes, professors and opportunities, could very well be ripped away from me because I cannot afford them. I am scared, scared unto death.

A few things run through my mind in this situation, things that Jesus said, and they aren't exactly the inspirational "I am always with you, even unto the end of the age" principles he has taught us. Those are in my mind, but I am also hearing things like "Go sell everything you have and follow me", "He who puts his hand on the plow and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God", along with many others. I have said that God is all I need. I have sung about how his grace is enough. I have thanked God for his help and providence in many things. For this, I fear that my world is being ripped away, contrary to the song I once sang in youth group: "Though my world may fall, I'll never let you go."

Quite the paradox to remark on, I suppose. Where is my professed faith? Where is the trust that God will take care of me? Why am I worrying about something that will worry about itself? Why must I be so human? The Lord knows the plans he has for me, and I am worried about what I owe my college.

Trust hasn't always come easy to me (in fact, it almost never has). Truly, I fear the future and what might be happening for me, where I might go. I don't want to let my dreams go. I want to finish school and finish it well. I want to continue on to graduate school and get my doctorate in Philosophy of Religion. I want to teach college, and show young adults not only how to think, but how to love. Still, those things come to mind: "Sell all you have and follow me..." Is that what is being asked of me? Am I being asked to behind the things I had in mind for myself? Is God closing this door and opening another? What am I to do in this situation?

I do feel better, somewhat, after expressing this fear. Usually takes something like that, but it does linger, and no doubt will be on my mind tomorrow.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6

Canvas

I love my imagination, especially when it gets so real I have conversations with someone I haven't met yet about what I think about the world, and I plunge into the depths of my soul and find out something about myself. It's strange how that works, but it does.

Some of you know that I am an amateur photographer (that is, the one person who reads my blog). If you have ever seen my work, you'll notice a lot of close-up shots as opposed to distant, spread out ones. This is because of my love of the details in my pictures. Ironically, I'm not detail-oriented in my everyday life, but I love to get up close to things whenever I am taking pictures and see what no one else did, or what people see and allow to pass in and out of their memory so quickly. It makes me sad that people miss the details and intricate work in so many things, from raindrops on rose petals to the pattern of wood grain. Seeing these things is one of my connections to the Creator, who knows all detail down to the space between the quarks in an atom (I wish I could photograph an atom, that would just be wicked). When I look at my hand, I see so much more than a hand, but I see the worn lines in my palm, the callouses in my fingertips, and even the spidering movement of the arteries and veins that stretch all the way to the very ends of my fingers. I could spend hours in art museums looking at old paintings that have so much detail when you look close enough that you can forget what the original subject of the painting was and just marvel at the artist's attention to detail. This is the idea of art: getting people to see what they miss or allow themselves to miss. Art is in the lines in your hand, the holes in a brick in the wall, or even the arrangement of the elements of a blood cell, and we are missing it! We miss it because we don't slow down enough to look and see!

Art and creativity are what keeps the human race alive, what drives them to continue reproducing (Seriously). The act of sex is probably the most creative act one can do when done as an expression of romantic love and affection for your mate. Two bodies, who, under other circumstances, probably could be worlds apart any other time, join for a few moments of ecstasy and physical and spiritual connection. Our bodies are crafted for the enjoyment of someone we dedicate ourselves to, and their enjoyment of us leads to our enjoyment of them, and happiness and connection is found in that. Sex is truly beautiful and the work of an artist. We can cheapen this, unfortunately, by making sex the focus of our affection, but never, ever should that be the focus. Art is also the expression of our feelings, which means the art, though a medium to explain HOW we feel, it is never the feeling itself. The love we have for another can be expressed through sex, but sex isn't the point: love is. Sex is the canvas on which love is painted, and to use a cheap, dollar-store paint is to ruin the painting. The finest, truest materials are necessary in making art, and the same is true of sex. It must be of the finest materials and the truest emotions.

Just to close, I'm curious if anyone actually reads this other than Drew. If you do, feel free to leave a comment.

THE DEVIL IS IN THEM BOOKS!

So...a viewing of the new film The Golden Compass and a reading from the blog of a friend have prompted the following post.

As most of you know, a great deal of controversy has risen at the production of this new film due to the intent of the author of the book on which the film is based. The author(Philip Pullman), being a staunch atheist, has stated that his intent in writing is to undermine Christian values, viewing his trilogy of books as a direct rebuttal to CS Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, a series Pullman views as religious propaganda. He is considered to be one of England's most outspoken atheists, and the production of The Golden Compass has caused a large outcry from the Christian community of evil and attempted brainwashing.

However, this outcry is far from being the first. For years, the church has boycotted and protested scores of movies, burned thousands of books as heresy, and condemned non-Christians everywhere for their viewpoints. Now, arguments on God's existence aside, this is getting really ridiculous. Have we forgotten, church, that we are also to love God with our minds? Are we so afraid of something different from our own thoughts that we must so insecurely strike at it? God is much more secure than any of the writings of this world, so why aren't we? Where is our lack of fear of such things that may challenge our faith and its validity, and therefore challenge us, as human beings, to understand it better?

One thing I've noticed in these times is that the church often shies away from something that it could learn from. In most of these instances, the item in question displays the church in a way that is tyrannical and oppressive. Naturally, as any average person would, the church strikes out against such a thing, and thus proves the item in question to be correct. If the world is viewing us as oppressive and tyrannical, don't you think it might be time to alter our thinking into a way that shows that our heart is to love them, not to oppress them? This doesn't make opposing ideas go away, nor should it. It's a principle that shows that love is more important than dogma, and in our society today, no person is more sick of dogma and condemnation than a non-Christian.

If you're a Christian and you're wondering about seeing the Golden Compass, I would recommend that you go and view it, but remain objective, and see it through the eyes of someone who maybe really just wants the oppression to stop. This goes for any book, movie, or music you may think is evil. There might be something very, very good (and spiritual) underneath it all.