Rent

I am scared, scared unto death. The investment I have in my college career is beginning to fall apart, due to a severe lack in funds. My parents, who both want me to stay at VFCC and have been funding a large part of my tuition, missed their last payment because they couldn't afford it, and, recently, my state grant was cut in half due to mistakes on the FAFSA. Options are running out, and my dad has been asking me to think about doing something cheaper. Everything I have at school, all my friends, classes, professors and opportunities, could very well be ripped away from me because I cannot afford them. I am scared, scared unto death.

A few things run through my mind in this situation, things that Jesus said, and they aren't exactly the inspirational "I am always with you, even unto the end of the age" principles he has taught us. Those are in my mind, but I am also hearing things like "Go sell everything you have and follow me", "He who puts his hand on the plow and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God", along with many others. I have said that God is all I need. I have sung about how his grace is enough. I have thanked God for his help and providence in many things. For this, I fear that my world is being ripped away, contrary to the song I once sang in youth group: "Though my world may fall, I'll never let you go."

Quite the paradox to remark on, I suppose. Where is my professed faith? Where is the trust that God will take care of me? Why am I worrying about something that will worry about itself? Why must I be so human? The Lord knows the plans he has for me, and I am worried about what I owe my college.

Trust hasn't always come easy to me (in fact, it almost never has). Truly, I fear the future and what might be happening for me, where I might go. I don't want to let my dreams go. I want to finish school and finish it well. I want to continue on to graduate school and get my doctorate in Philosophy of Religion. I want to teach college, and show young adults not only how to think, but how to love. Still, those things come to mind: "Sell all you have and follow me..." Is that what is being asked of me? Am I being asked to behind the things I had in mind for myself? Is God closing this door and opening another? What am I to do in this situation?

I do feel better, somewhat, after expressing this fear. Usually takes something like that, but it does linger, and no doubt will be on my mind tomorrow.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6